Midland organization helps children, parents process grief

When someone passes away, children and adults process the loss of a loved one in their own unique way.

A place in the Tri-Cities that's trying to help families through these tough periods is The Children's Grief Center of the Great Lakes Bay Region of Midland.

WCMU's Tina Sawyer visited the Center to speak with Program Director Gabby Gauthier to learn more about how they help families process grief.

INTERVIEW HIGHLIGHTS

Signs of non-verbal grieving

What is disenfranchised grief?

This transcript has been edited for clarity and length.

Gabby Gauthier: I tell them to be careful of their bias, because even if your mom died at the same age as the kid lost their mom in our group, the ways that helped you might not necessarily help them. And that's why we do so many different things here and with art and high energy activities, we have a Gaga ball pit in the back. Sometimes kids just need to get their grief energy. Be out physically versus creatively and it just depends on where they're at. The five stages of grief were never intended to be stages. They were intended to be a guideline, so you don't have to feel denial, anger, bargaining. You don't have to go through that order. You can be 10 years down the road and discover your anger for the first time.

Tina Sawyer: Is there a certain age like 5 years old and up that they can come here and go through grieving? Or is it even younger?

GG: Our cutoff for groups is 4. It used to be 5 and we've we've slowly inched it down because we had so many people call with the need, but we get calls for two year olds who are grieving. Infants can even grieve when they are connected to someone that is no longer in their life anymore, they can feel that absence to find ways. For even kids as young as two and under to cope with it is difficult. But we're hoping to navigate in that direction at some point.

TS: What are some of the signs of behaviors? What do people look for?

GG: I think a lot of times, especially when children are verbal, they ask the questions. They're very repetitive because and they they forget too. So you could tell them that their dad died and the next day they'll be like, where's my dad? And you have to repeatedly tell them ‘this is what happened’. Another thing is that it's just they could act out behaviorally, so they probably don't want to sleep in their own bed and crying and throwing tantrums. That might not be related to, you know, breaking their Crayon, really it's the fact that they're missing a person in their life. We provide an adult group at the same time for the caregivers of the kids and it's, you know, one adult will say ‘my kids been sleeping with me for six months’ and the other ones, like ‘it's been three years for me, it's fine.’ You go by your own timeline and you don't let other people tell you They should be in their own bed. Or ....any shoulds from other people ...you need to take with a very big grain of salt.

TS: But what about the young adults? How can they cope with grief?

GG:The kids who are 18 to 25, they're off to college and we think they should be getting their stuff together and it's just we still need to be cared for. I really encourage young adults and adults of all ages. To use coping skills that they used when they were children, when they're really struggling. So maybe sleeping in mom’s bed, you know, something like that or coloring or watching your favorite kids show something that brings you back to where you felt the most comfort.

TS: What is disenfranchised grief?

GG: When I think disenfranchised grief, I think of the stigma around grief. I think that's a good way to easily define it, that I'm sorry for your loss is a huge one. Kids hate it. Because what do you have to be sorry about? You didn't do it. It's not your fault. Just to be with the person who's grieving is most important. They feel really uncomfortable when they hear “I'm sorry” or “they're in a better place”. Or “at least...” is always.. you starting any sentence with “At least”... is not great. “At least they're out of pain.” Like, and that might be a true fact, b to put that on them is to say you're trying to put a blanket over it, and silver lining it when in reality they just want to be validated.

TS: So how do we turn grieving into a positive thing then, Gabby?

GG:I think going back to meeting them where they're at, because I think grief and the grief process can be a positive experience when they're ready for it to be, but also understanding that it's OK to wallow occasionally. It's that oscillating back and forth, and then it's also important to get out there. And talk about your person, say their name, do what fun activities that they would want you to do. So to balance back and forth is really important. You don't want to put all your energy into being better quote UN quote or you don't want to put all your energy into sinking into your grief because you can lose yourself in both aspects. I think the positive is really remembering your person and remembering that they would want you to continue on and do the things that they love to do and celebrate them because of it.