(SOUNDBITE OF SONG, "CHRISTMAS TIME IS HERE")
ST. PAUL'S EPISCOPAL CHURCH CHOIR: (Singing) Christmas time is here.
STEVE INSKEEP, HOST:
Indeed, it is, and nothing sets the mood quite like the right Christmas song. Stephen Thompson of NPR Music is here with the wrong Christmas songs.
STEPHEN THOMPSON, BYLINE: (Laughter).
INSKEEP: He's brought a batch of cringeworthy Christmas tunes, some of the worst he could find. Stephen, welcome, I guess.
THOMPSON: Yeah, it's great to be here, Steve. And I think anybody listening, I just recommend turn off your radio.
(LAUGHTER)
INSKEEP: All right.
THOMPSON: Just come back in a few minutes. Everything will be fine.
INSKEEP: OK, and in all fairness, someone may love them or love to hate them. Who knows? But what do we got here? What's first?
THOMPSON: Well, I'm going to start actually with my favorite childhood Christmas record, "Christmas With The Chipmunks."
(SOUNDBITE OF SONG, "THE CHIPMUNK SONG (CHRISTMAS DON'T BE LATE)")
ROSS BAGDASARIAN: (As Dave) All right, you chipmunks. Ready to sing your song?
(As Alvin) I'd say we are.
(As Theodore) Yeah, let's sing it now.
(As Dave) OK, Simon?
(As Simon) OK.
(As Dave) OK, Theodore?
(As Theodore) OK.
(As Dave) OK, Alvin? Alvin? Alvin.
(As Alvin) OK.
(As Alvin, Simon and Theodore, singing) Christmas, Christmas time is near. Time for toys, and time for cheer.
THOMPSON: It is not an exaggeration to say that I literally wore out my copy of this record. And what that proves to me in hindsight is that my parents were and are constitutionally incapable of murder.
INSKEEP: Because they would have killed you - but this means you loved it.
THOMPSON: I loved it, and honestly, to this day, it still does me no harm. I think I was inoculated against the sounds of the chipmunks because I was exposed to them by choice so many times as a child.
(SOUNDBITE OF SONG, "THE CHIPMUNK SONG (CHRISTMAS DON'T BE LATE)")
BAGDASARIAN: (As Alvin, Simon and Theodore, singing) Want a plane that loops the loop.
(As Alvin, singing) I still want a Hula-Hoop.
INSKEEP: And I want to mention, I was in a hotel just the other day, and they're playing Christmas music. And it was some other artist, a woman doing a grown-up version of this song, and it was beautiful.
THOMPSON: Well, I mean, the song is melodically sound.
INSKEEP: Yeah.
THOMPSON: And honestly, like, as a kid, I don't know. Alvin, you know, who was always disrupting these songs - he's inattentive. He's theatrical. I could relate.
INSKEEP: (Impersonating Dave Seville) Stephen. Stephen.
What's your next selection?
THOMPSON: This is from one of the weirdest Christmas records I have ever heard. It's by the country singer Conway Twitty. He put out a record in 1983 called "A Twismas Story."
INSKEEP: OK.
THOMPSON: And Conway Twitty basically is dueting on all these songs with this extremely shrill cartoon bird named Twitty Bird.
(SOUNDBITE OF SONG, "HAPPY THE CHRISTMAS CLOWN")
CHRISTI PRATER: (As Twitty Bird, singing) Oh, who is that peeping round the Twismas tree? Golly gee, could it be? Winking and a-blinking at you and me, it's Happy the Twismas clown.
CONWAY TWITTY: (Singing) A twinkle in his eye and a big red nose...
THOMPSON: I still sometimes feel like, did I hallucinate this record?
INSKEEP: Here we go.
THOMPSON: Does this record actually exist? There are so many characters. There's so much plot, but everyone is deeply, deeply committed to the bit. This is a song from "A Twismas Story" called "Happy The Christmas Clown."
(SOUNDBITE OF SONG, "HAPPY THE CHRISTMAS CLOWN")
TWITTY: (Singing) If you've been good little girls and boys, perhaps this Christmas, you might see him.
PRATER: (As Twitty Bird, singing) Hiding and a-peeping round the Twismas tree.
TWITTY: (Singing) Golly gee, it just might be.
THOMPSON: I just want to say, I'm in the NPR studio, and I'm looking through the booth at the face of Phil Harrell, our producer.
INSKEEP: Yeah.
THOMPSON: And he is so fundamentally unhappy.
(LAUGHTER)
THOMPSON: You can see that he is currently carrying unhappiness in his bones.
INSKEEP: So what else we got? We got a couple more to go, I believe.
THOMPSON: Yes. You're like, how long before this segment ends?
(LAUGHTER)
INSKEEP: I was not - I'm enjoying this. This is fine.
THOMPSON: (Laughter) Our third selection is a track - if you were to Google a list of, like, annoying Christmas songs or kind of think about the annoying Christmas song hall of fame, some might bring up the 1960 Lou Monte song "Dominick The Donkey"...
INSKEEP: OK.
THOMPSON: ...Which is a kind of Christmas novelty song about, and I quote, "the Italian Christmas donkey."
INSKEEP: Oh.
THOMPSON: It is a jaunty and strange song, and it was recently covered on this album called "A Philly Special Christmas Special." Now, The Philly Specials is a singing group consisting of the Philadelphia Eagles offensive linemen...
INSKEEP: Oh, wow.
THOMPSON: ...Lane Johnson, Jordan Mailata and now-retired Jason Kelce.
(SOUNDBITE OF SONG, "DOMINICK THE DONKEY")
THE PHILLY SPECIALS: (Singing) Hey, jiggidy-jing (ph). (Imitating donkey) Hee-haw.
(Singing) It's Dominick, the donkey. Jiggidy-jing. (Imitating donkey) Hee-haw, hee-haw.
(Singing) The Italian Christmas donkey. La, la, la.
INSKEEP: Jiggidy-jing is probably not the worst Christmas lyric I've ever...
THOMPSON: I've heard worse.
INSKEEP: Yeah.
THOMPSON: Now, these are raising money for charity. I don't mean to besmirch their good cause, and they are very spirited. But if you are not predisposed to the song "Dominick The Donkey," you maybe don't want to hear it covered by Jason Kelce.
INSKEEP: Is Dominick - like, was he in the manger? I mean, is that what the...
THOMPSON: (Laughter) You know, I don't know all the lore surrounding Dominick the Donkey.
INSKEEP: OK.
THOMPSON: What I love about this particular version of the song - if you listen to the arrangement, it's not so much an arrangement as a derangement.
INSKEEP: OK.
THOMPSON: It is deeply, deeply, deeply strange.
(SOUNDBITE OF SONG, "DOMINICK THE DONKEY")
THE PHILLY SPECIALS: (Singing) La-la, la-la, ya-da (ph). La, la, la, la-la, la-la, ya-da.
The donkey. (Imitating donkey) Hee-haw.
Born Italian.
INSKEEP: What's our grand finale?
THOMPSON: Well, I'm gonna bring us out on a song I actually really love. It's from 2010. It was on, like, a compilation of Christmas music put out by Target.
INSKEEP: OK.
THOMPSON: And it's not even streaming on Spotify. You have to find it on YouTube or whatever. It's by an artist named Blazer Force, who put together this extremely propulsive and catchy and strange song, and it should be noted, for those who are about to experience this song, Blazer Force is Bret McKenzie from Flight of the Conchords.
INSKEEP: Oh, OK.
THOMPSON: So you get a sense of the comedic gifts but also, as I've talked about, commitment to the bit. This song is "Electronic Santa Claus."
(SOUNDBITE OF SONG, "ELECTRONIC SANTA CLAUS")
BLAZER FORCE: (Through voice modulator, singing) Electronic Santa Claus, the electronic Santa Claus, the electronic Santa Claus...
INSKEEP: (Laughter).
(SOUNDBITE OF SONG, "ELECTRONIC SANTA CLAUS")
BLAZER FORCE: (Singing) The electronic Santa. Electronic Santa Claus, the...
INSKEEP: Are those all the lyrics, by the way?
THOMPSON: (Laughter).
INSKEEP: Do we go anywhere with this?
THOMPSON: It goes, eventually, Santa will rock, rock, rock your body.
INSKEEP: OK.
(SOUNDBITE OF SONG, "ELECTRONIC SANTA CLAUS")
BLAZER FORCE: (Singing) Electronic Santa Claus will rock, rock, rock your body, rock your body.
INSKEEP: Bret McKenzie is - talk about being committed to the bit. I mean, Flight of the Conchords, for those who don't know - satirical music group, mock music group - really good.
THOMPSON: But also crafters of great and catchy songs.
INSKEEP: Yes, without a doubt. Stephen Thompson, of NPR Music, I was supposed to be unhappy at the end of this, but I enjoyed it. Thank you very much.
THOMPSON: Oh, wonderful. Thank you, Steve. And my apologies to everyone listening.
INSKEEP: Merry Christmas.
(SOUNDBITE OF SONG, "ELECTRONIC SANTA CLAUS")
BLAZER FORCE: (Singing) Electronic Santa. Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.
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